Meanwhile, this therapy worked for us. We had different kinds of nuturing. Her parents doted. Mine set each of us seven brothers and sisters on the road to independence from the start. Her parents were calm Canadian, mine firey Italian. “Nurturing” is another code word. But, here’s the point. I spent a large part of my young life just finding love/lust/sex. Until I took the time to use this exercise, I don’t think I ever really thought seriously about what I really wanted or needed. I took them as they were, which is one thing I learned from my caregivers, and treated them with respect, which was another.

Doing this list showed me how to look at myself and then at my life and then at whether what I grew up loving and needing and expecting from those who cared about me was actually in my life. As I said, for the past 14 years, it has been.

That therapist’s exercise would only seem to work if you grew up in a nurturing family. For those from more abusive households, one shouldn’t be trying to recreate that early experience of “love,” which is difficult because some researchers believe our early experiences with family and friends create a sort of psychic map by which we judge future relationships. And if you filled your map with experiences of abuse, it’s hard to break the cycle.

I actually found her by accident. I was in a marriage that was failing and, without too much hope, I scheduled us some counselling. The person we met with suggested a method whereby we might find out what our “relationship” was all about. Her theory was that we grow up looking for the kind of “caregiving” love that we received as a child. So she suggested that we make a list of the goods and bads that we remembered from those early years. And then, and here was the hard part, ask ourselves if the person we were with fit the descriptors.

My answer was two fold. No to my then wife and a very surprising yes to someone who I had up till then thought of as only a friend. We have been together in love and, yes Zak, sex for the last 14 years. I am amazed, “maybe I’m amazed” at how simple it all was once I took the time to look at what I was looking for.